Hello everyone,
How are we all doing? I hope you are doing well, and if you’re not, I’m sorry. Sometimes life is just s**t. I’m all for being positive and looking for the little magic moments in the everyday mundane but let’s be real, sometimes it is just hard, and a little bit s**t!
I think we compare ourselves to others now more than ever, but at the same time, we’re also becoming more open (though maybe not always as open as we’d like to be). We might read self-help books, follow inspirational people on Instagram, listen to exciting and motivating podcasts, and curate our inner circles pushing out all negativity, which can make us feel like life should be amazing, happy, and easy all the time. But that’s not real life.
Life ebbs and flows—there are highs and lows, and it’s about accepting the lows, the middles and the highs and embracing each and everyone of them as they come. The hard times remind us that everything, whether good or bad—events, feelings, thoughts, even bad hair days— everything, is temporary.
So, whatever you're going through right now, just remember it won’t last forever, and you will come out the other side. Keep going, keep looking for those little glimmers of hope, and things will get better.
But before that point, please don’t hold it all in and deal with it all yourself, if we allow the metaphorical water to keep on building and building and the pressure and stress to keep rising, and on top of that, we do this all on our own… eventually, the dam will break when we least expect it to.
So, reach out to your support network, maybe that’s a friend, a family member, a support group, a therapist, councillor, GP, or feel free to reach out to me, I’m not going anywhere soon.
Just please don’t feel like you have to, or you should, or you must do it all on your own… because you don’t. No one does.
Content warning: discussion of death, dying and grief.
So, let’s get into this month’s blog post, where I want to discuss a topic that I have been pondering for the last few months.
Please also remember when reading this that this is my bias view and something I am still exploring so there will be things that I have not come across or considered. This is just me thinking out loud, opening up the discussion so if you feel I have missed something, or you just wanted to let me know that you enjoyed reading this, please do reach out and let me know!
Loss, Grief, and Finding Peace in the Hard Moments
I’ve been a little quiet as of late.
Both my family dog, Isla and my dog, Lilly both died within six months of each other. It was hard being at home with my parents when Isla died and then moving out into my own place and Lilly dying shortly afterwards.
Lilly came into my life when I was 20 and going through a dark time. I was in my first year of university, feeling like there was a big, unfillable hole in my heart. Nights out, shopping, friends—nothing could ease the pain. That’s when my once-occasional anxiety turned into a constant hum in the background, growing louder every day.
Lilly gave me a reason to get up in the morning, something to care for, and a sense of purpose when life felt heavy.
Lilly dying was significant. I dreaded the day because even though I have done all the “work” been to all the therapy, done all the “right” things in terms of my healing journey I still worried that Lilly dying would open up the flood gates. I worried that the metaphorical hole I had plugged in my heart all those years ago would reopen, leaving me right back at square one.
Spoiler alert… it didn’t open up and I am no where near square one! Often what we worry might or could happen, never materialises as we imagine it will.
Grieving Before the Loss
I started grieving Lilly’s death months before it happened. I knew her time was coming, and as much as I wanted to spend every second with her, I felt this guilt and exhaustion weighing me down anytime I wasn’t with her. During this time, I came across some beautiful books and stories that transformed how I viewed death, bringing with it a sense of peace and clarity I had never had before when I tried to avoid thinking or talking about death.
A key thought that has stuck with me was from Mo Gawdat (who is truly inspiring—check out his episodes on Diary of a CEO or his books Solve for Happy and Unstressable). After losing his son during a routine procedure, he beat himself up thinking why did I take him to that hospital, on that day, at that time, to see that doctor. But he realised that thinking all of these what if’s, could have, should have, would not bring his son back and it would not best serve himself, his family or his son.
He realised that he was focusing on his son’s death and hadn’t once thought that his son actually lived! He chose to shift his focus from his son's death to celebrating his life. He said;
"Ali lived! and I got to be his father, how lucky was I?”
Beautiful and inspiring… right?
So, when Lilly’s time came, I didn’t hold on or try to fight it. I could see in her eyes that she was ready to go, and to my surprise, I realised I was ready to let her go, peacefully.
I had reframed my understanding of death —not as something terrifying or dark, but as a natural passage, something we all must face. I saw it as light, peaceful, even beautiful. Yes, Lilly died, but Lilly also lived—and she lived with me. How lucky am I?
(The walk that I realised it was time)
Helping my mum through Lilly’s passing felt like a reversal of roles, but I didn’t mind. I had come to terms with it. I saw the light, where she only saw darkness.
This doesn’t mean that I skipped the grieving process, I absolutely didn’t.
I just take it day by day and just meet myself wherever I am that day. I’m kind to myself in these moments and I allow myself just to cry and feel sad and lonely when I do. But other times I can’t help but smile and think of how lucky I am and was. I feel nothing but love when I think of Lilly.
Facing Death Head-On
I’ve been very intentional in using the words death and dying. It can feel jarring and uncomfortable for some (let’s be honest, it’s uncomfortable for most, if not all of us), but I think it’s important. We often use euphemisms like “passed away” or “lost” when talking about death, but I wonder if avoiding the word itself can make it harder to talk about and come to terms with.
Death isn’t Voldemort—it’s not something to fear or refuse to name. It’s a part of life. The death rate is 100%. There’s no cheat code, no escape from it. And the more we pretend it doesn’t exist, the harder it becomes to talk about it with our loved ones before the time comes, let alone when it eventually inevitably happens.
If we can’t talk about death, how can we ever plan for it? How can we make sure our loved ones' wishes are fulfilled? How can we have meaningful conversations about what truly matters if we’re frightened to bring it up?
Starting the Conversation
It only takes one person to start the conversation.
I’ve tried bringing it up with my own family, and at first, I was met with resistance. It felt awkward, and I get it—it’s not easy to talk about. But after a few attempts, I managed to have a short, honest conversation with my dad. We talked about what he would like to happen at his funeral, his wishes for treatment, and how I might feel if he died. It was uncomfortable but also weirdly comforting at the same time. Now, I know what he wants, and that gives me some peace and comfort that I will do right by him.
Wrapping it up: Questions to Think About and Tips to Move Forward
My intention here isn’t to be morbid—it’s to start a conversation. To highlight the importance of these topics so that you can decide how you want to move forward. Maybe nothing changes, and that’s perfectly okay. Or maybe you’ll feel inspired to have a meaningful conversation with a loved one. Either way, it’s a step forward.
So, where does this leave you? I thought I would share some practical tips for you to consider and do with them as you wish:
Start small: You don’t need to have a big family meeting about death (though that sounds wonderful to me!). Start by bringing it up with one person—ask them what they think or feel about death, or simply tell them how much they mean to you. It may feel awkward at first, but it’s a meaningful way to ease into the conversation.
Note: that the conversation may not go to plan first time around, but that it makes it easier to bring it up again in the future.
Find comfort in stories: If you’re struggling with thoughts of death or grief, look to books, podcasts, or personal stories to explore new perspectives. The experiences of others can offer surprising comfort and help you shift how you view your loss through their beautiful wisdom.
Shifting your perspective: Reframing death can offer peace. While it won’t stop grief, it can bring clarity and gratitude. Think of death as a reminder that we are alive right now—and that’s what makes life precious. Accepting death as part of the cycle allows us to live more intentionally in the present.
Hypnotherapy can help with this shift in perspective, so if you are interested in having a chat, why not book an introductory call here.
Ask yourself: How can this perspective help me appreciate life more deeply? How might it change the way I live today? Can I be more intentional with how I spend my time and who I spend it with?
Side note: I was listening to a podcast—I can't for the life of me remember which one—but in it the guest said these words which have stuck with me—"if you only have 2 weeks to live, would you worry about whatever it is you are worrying about?" The answer is usually no.
Let yourself grieve: Finding peace with death doesn’t mean you won’t grieve. Grief is the love you have for someone that no longer has a place to go. It’s also the future you imagined with them that will no longer happen. Be gentle with yourself and embrace whatever emotions come up.
Ask yourself: What do I need right now to move through my feelings, without avoiding them? Who can I talk to that will simply listen? Is there somewhere or someone, I can pour this love into?
Reach out: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone, whether it’s a friend or a professional. If you feel alone in this, Cruse Scotland Bereavement Support is available at 0808 802 6161 to provide assistance.
Questions to Reflect On:
Have you ever thought about what conversations around death look like in your life? Are they open and honest, or do they feel taboo?
What would it mean for you to feel more comfortable with the concept of death?
Who could you talk to about this topic? What small step can you take to start the conversation? How would you start the conversation?
Final Words
I know this subject is touchy, it is for me too. I wrote this a while ago and I kept editing it to make sure that I wasn’t being insensitive in any way, or too direct, or too illusive. I was scared of hurting someone in writing about something we don’t talk about. But I really do think that this is so important, so much so that I am willing to let myself be uncomfortable and post it anyway. If it helps one person have the conversation, to deepen their connection with their loved ones, to feel at peace in any way, then I have done enough.
I really do hope that this conversation has sparked something within you, whether it's a desire to start a conversation or explore these ideas further, to pick up a book or to journal about your thoughts.
Death is a part of life, the more we talk about it, the less intimidating it becomes. Let’s start normalising these conversations.
Sending you all my love,
Kat <3
Recommending reading & watching for if and when you feel ready:
With the End in Mind – Kathryn Mannix
Nothing to fear – Julie McFadden
The Midnight Library – Matt Haig
Kris – Dying to live (BBC iPlayer)
Top 5 Regrets Of The Dying: Life Lessons Everybody Learns Too Late with Bronnie Ware – (Feel Better Live More Podcast)
Books I have not read but I intend to:
When Breath Becomes Air – Paul Kalanithi
A Beginner’s Guide to Dying – Simon Boas
The Power of Letting Go – John Purkiss
Staring at the Sun – Irvin D. Yalom
Before the Coffee Gets Cold – Toshikazu Kawaguchi
Serious trigger warning… this really was a very hard watch and completely changed my view on the topic discussed. I advise that you don't watch this if you are a sensitive soul, I found this extremely hard to view.
How to Die – Simons Choice (BBC iPlayer)
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